


Recovery Is Not a One Way Street

by InsomniacPiggy



Series: The Aftermath [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Characters Study, Multi, PTSD, Post-Movie, Recovery, finn is a good guy, i still can't write dialogue, of a sort, poe is not okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7424884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniacPiggy/pseuds/InsomniacPiggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe's fine.</p>
<p>Honest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial

Poe is dealing.

No, he doesn’t need time off. No, he doesn’t need “help”, either. He is perfectly fine with how things are right now. Even if he wasn’t, _which he is_ , the Resistance needs all the help they can get right now, with the First Order becoming more and more bold, and they had to distract them from Rey’s pilgrimage _somehow_.

What he needs is something to keep him busy, to keep his mind off everything that had happened. This empty feeling in his chest ( _not quite dread, not quite fear_ ) wouldn’t leave, but he is Poe Dameron, and his parents didn’t raise him to run crying home as soon as he got scared. He was raised on stories of heroism and greatness, and he knows he was destined to fight for ( _justicefreedomliberty_ ) the Resistance since he was a child. His parents were heroes, fought alongside the legends Organa, Solo, Skywalker from the very beginning, and all he wants to do is make them proud. It's all he's ever really wanted.

But this heaviness in his chest won’t go away, and Poe wishes his parents were here so he could ask them if they ever felt this way, ask them what they would do if one friend was light years away, and the other much closer, but seemingly just as untouchable. He knows Finn is awake now, but he just can’t go over and see him. He knows that if he talked to Finn, he wouldn’t be able to keep these thought from pouring out, and Finn was literally recovering from being cut up by a _lightsaber_. What kind amoral jerk would Poe have to be to complain to someone who’d recently woken up from a _coma_ -

Yeah. It’s better for everyone if he just stayed away from Finn right now. He knows it’s not really fair to Finn, popping in every few days but not really _being there_ , but it’s the only way for now.

He smiles when he’s supposed to, laughs at the right cues, and does his job ( _damn well_ , his superiors say) but at night, (when he is not waking up from another nightmare, shaking and screaming, waiting for _Kylo_ fucking _Ren_ to rip him out of another reality, to get underneath his skin and weasel out another secret, shattering his trust in _himself_ , ‘cause if his _mind_ isn’t safe then _what the fuck is?_ ) he is not okay.

(He keeps waiting for Kylo Ren to be just around the corner, sadistic and cruel as ever. He knows General Orga- _Aunt Leia_ lost her son, but he can’t help how he wants to scream every time he sees her face twist into hope at the mention of that bastard. He can’t help the fact that every time he thinks of that smug asshole, the taste of copper gets caught in his throat until he _can’t breathe_. He respects that Aunt Leia lost Ben Solo, but goddamnit the Resistance needs General Organa, not Aunt Leia.)

(He hears that Rey (angry, tired, _spitfire_ Rey) had been captured, _tortured_ just like he was, and a little part of him shatters at the thought of Rey (who’s _nineteen years old_ , what the _fuck_ ) having to deal with the feeling of someone else in your mind, under your skin, painfully rooted in your soul for the rest of your _life_.)

So, yeah. Poe smiles, does his job, and doesn’t visit Finn, no matter how many pointed suggestions he gets from General Organa. He doesn’t think about what happened, he keeps his head on straight, and he makes himself useful during the day to forget the nightmares he gets when he closes his eyes. He doesn’t need help. He’s fine.

Honest.


	2. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe figures out that he does have a problem.

As it turns out, he... is not fine.

After being reprimanded by the General (luckily in private) about his apparent disregard for his friend, Poe managed to force himself into the Med-bay. He's brusque with Finn, almost to the point of rudeness, but he just couldn't open up to him. If he did, Finn would try to help Poe because Finn is a good person and Poe? Poe is _not_.

( _But he wishes he could be._ )

But a person can put up a front to block their friends for only so long, and despite Poe’s best efforts, Finn does finally realize something's wrong. But Finn is smart. He knows that Poe won't answer his questions if he says them outright, and would likely run away from him if he tried.

(Poe reluctantly acknowledges this as true, and bitterly remarks that he would probably deny being hurt after losing a limb at this point.)

But this is Finn, and instead of doing a complicated dance with words with Poe as to not upset him, or even just leaving it alone, like he should, Poe somehow manages to find himself cornered by a man who isn't even allowed out of bed.

( _A real great officer of the Resistance you are_ , a snide voice that's a little too close to Kylo Ren’s for comfort echoes throughout his mind. Surprisingly, it's hard to forget trauma when the voice of the person who violated you is _still in your head._ )

(On bad days, Poe fears that he's still giving up Resistance secrets, that Kylo Ren is still actually inside his brain, picking it apart from light years away.)

(Those days are hard to get through.)

Finn is still calmly looking up at Poe, and Poe is... not calm, but he's also not panicking, which is a new development for him.

“Poe,” Finn starts in measured tone, as if Poe is going to break if someone looks at him the wrong way, and suddenly he _can't take this_. Is this how it's going to be when people figure out he's _Not Okay_? Because if it is, then Poe is more than happy to pretend for the rest of his life, regardless of however short that turns out to be.

He needs Finn to stop talking _right now_ , he's going to break if Finn keeps talking he knows this but somehow Poe can't even open up his mouth, much less _talk_. Unaware of his struggle, Finn keeps talking.

“I know I'm not the closest person in your life, but I know you're not alright, and-and if you need to talk about what you're going through, I'm here, okay?”

Poe dimly registers that Finn is still talking about how much Poe means to him, but all he can hear is _I'm here, okay?_ , bouncing off the inside of his skull until the voice of his personal Kylo Ren is just a whisper. It's too _much_ for him, too _soon_.

And Poe can already tell that he was wrong that Finn’s kindness would break him.

Poe doesn't just break down, he _shatters_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I figured that was the best way to end it :).
> 
> So this was a bit shorter than I'd like, but I think I'm gonna continue this 'verse with other characters. Anyone in particular you guys would like next?
> 
> And don't worry, Poe is gonna get the help he needs. I just don't think I'll write from his perspective for a little while.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone please help this child. 
> 
> Btw, I've found that a lot of fics have just sort of brushed over the fact that Rey and Poe were violated in their own minds? Like, people would definitely be more messed up than what's typically shown in fanfic. But whatevs. That's just my observation.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated you guys!


End file.
